Finding Myself

Have you ever tried so hard to find yourself that you lose yourself? I've been there. I think sometimes we reach a point in our lives where either we find ourselves stuck, or something happens to make us stop and reevaluate who we are and where we're heading. If it's in a new direction, that usually takes some soul searching, and often it takes working through baggage from the past. In the process, we can lose ourselves...lose who we really are while we try on different personas in a desperate search for who we are destined to be. If someone had told me a couple years ago that something like that could happen to me I would have scoffed at them! Not me! I KNOW who I am! But it happened. It DID...and what a trip! Not one I'd ever want to take again, I might add. I felt like I was being stretched in all different directions...feeling so unsure...so confused...so vulnerable, with times of boldness...elation...and just plain silliness. Endlessly searching...praying...researching. Through it all, there was always fear...of the unknown...of how I was perceived...of experiences from the past. I was constantly questioning myself, doubting myself. Was I where God wanted me? How could I know without a doubt? Even when God showed me things...and I KNOW it was God...I doubted. Then God  reached down and gave me reassurance that could only come from Him. Regardless of how hard I tried to reason it into a coincidence, it just couldn't be. There's no way things could have lined up and happened the way they did coincidentally. Once I accepted that, I began to find myself again. This mind journey I had been on brought me back to me...just me. I'm the same person I was before, but now, I'm so okay with that! I'm more confident in who I am. Yes, I'm overweight...but so are millions of other people. In fact about two-thirds of Americans are overweight, with more than one-third of those being obese. I'm NOT saying it's okay to be overweight. It isn't okay. There are too many serious health risks caused by obesity for it to ever be okay. I'm working on my weight...and I'm making progress! ...and even though I gained 7 whole pounds back with all the Ghirardelli sea salt caramel dark chocolates I devoured over the holidays ...and even though I haven't been to the gym in over a month for one reason or another ...I'm not giving up!

A Spirit-Filled Life

Just got home from work and checked my personal email, which I can't access at school. This was in one of my emails:

"Dec 02, 2013

When God’s Spirit Is in Charge

Read | James 1:2-4

A Spirit-filled life does not mean one that is problem-free. Christians who are under the control of the Holy Spirit will still make mistakes, have difficulties, and fall into sin. But there are two definite characteristics that distinguish Spirit-filled followers of Christ from other Christians and from unbelievers.

First, they are not controlled by their circumstances, and second, they refocus quickly after having sinned.

When the Holy Spirit is in charge, our attitude will not be determined by what’s going on around us. In other words, life doesn’t have to be stress-free in order for us to know peace—our spiritual joy won’t diminish even if we should meet with disappointment.

Anyone can be loving, kind, and self-controlled in seasons of blessing. But what happens to our attitude in trying times? The real test of who we are occurs not when things are going our way but when misfortune shows up. If the Spirit is in charge, we will learn to do four things: to love when we want to hate; to practice kindness when we are accused; to respond gently when others are harsh; and to have self-control when temptation strikes hard.

None of us will do all of this perfectly because there is still “self” within us. But when we sin, we will respond quickly to the Spirit’s prompting. He won’t have to work hard to get our attention, because we are under His authority. We will recognize our wrong action, confess it, and refocus on God’s ways." -Charles Stanley 

Got that "wow" feeling when I read this because it goes right along with my thoughts from yesterday. Coincidence? =)

Why I'm Writing

I often find myself, as I'm sure many women do, with so many thoughts going round in my head that I can't sort them out and make sense of them. The only thing that helps is to "talk it out," whether that be through a conversation with a good friend, a texting conversation, or an online chat with someone. Sometimes, it just isn't possible or convenient to find a listening ear. Also, after a while, I begin to feel like I'm becoming a burden to people and that they might get tired of listening to me try to sort out my thoughts or feelings. I've found that even when I don't get a response, it still helps me stop the incessant flow of ideas, wonderings, memories, and worries, and helps to clear my mind for a while so I can better focus and think more rationally. If I don't "talk it out," then I feel as though my mind's windshield is all fogged up. The decisions I make during those times usually end up being regrettable, and I wonder, "What was I thinking!?!"

So...in an effort to help me keep my mind from being a chaotic mess, and to spare my friends and family from having to listen to all my ramblings, I've decided to try blogging. Of course there are some topics that I won't discuss here, and some topics and situations that I will need immediate feedback on, but hopefully this will give me a venue to express myself and sort through most of the thoughts going round in my head. I'm doing this for me. If others read and get something out of it, great. If they have advice, opinions, or other comments, I hope they respond. If no one reads it, that'll be just fine.

I thought for about 30 seconds on what to title the blog. Anyone that knows me well knows that's a record for me as far as making a decision...and not changing my mind...at least twice. =) "Looking up" is what my focus is for my life right now. First, I'm striving to look to God for his guidance in everything I do, and to follow his leading. It doesn't do me any good to know what He wants me to do and then not do it. I accepted Christ as my Savior when I was a child, and I've always known to pray and ask God to lead and guide me, but over the years, I began to rely on my own knowledge and the advice of others rather than earnestly seeking God's will. Notice I said earnestly. I'm not saying I never sought God's will, or that I didn't try to live in God's will. Now, I have a renewed desire to depend on God for help with every aspect of my life. If we let God guide us, He will deal with the consequences.

I fail daily. Sometimes I feel like I've "blown it" with God and that I'm unworthy to be His child, and satan says, "Just give up. You've made a fool of yourself. Why even try?" If we're not careful, satan can steal our joy and hinder our relationship with God. In times like this, our faith makes such a difference...will we wallow in discouragement and angst for a while, or will we immediately turn to Jesus, knowing forgiveness awaits? What a feeling when I confess and repent, and then God wraps his arms around me and says, "Welcome back!"